#foreverAlone
i feel like i have a lot of friends, yet i am perpetually lonely. while you could argue that lonely =/= alone, i'm not here to talk about that.
i'm almost longing for a real connection with someone i'm romantically attracted to. usually, i find myself repulsed by the thought of living my life with someone, yet, i want it so badly. not just because all of my friends/peers are 'dating' and 'liking' each other, but because i am a part of a social species, and i can't stand to feel misunderstood.
i go into more detail about this in another entry, but i also adapt to people based on how i think they act. i think this results in me eventually feeling less of a connection to them. yet--they think we're friends, so why should i stop, y'know?
for example, i like this girl. i'm romantically attracted to her. she hears a lot about my personal life, and i hear a lot about hers. yet--i cannot see myself ever going further than that, even though i like her. so, i might be limiting myself.
but there's this other girl, who i feel like i should be attracted to, because we are one in the same in nearly everything. when i have to get things off my chest, it always turns out she's dealt with that same feeling before. i feel like my brain is telling me i need to like them further than i do, but i can't see myself dating anyone. i want to be close to someone, and i want them to understand me, but i can't bring myself to pull them any closer.
if you're reading this then it isn't abut you just for the record,,,
but anyway the point of that is, i either am repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship, or i erase myself to the point where it doesn't even feel like i'm interacting with them, or my brain messes it up. i feel like i'm living in someone else's body. or, multiple other people's bodies, in a way.
i've had the innate feeling that i must lie to fit in for as long as i can remember. not really, but most of it. since 6th grade, more or less (which was a good enough while ago), i've been completely lying to everyone around me. that's why i like talking here so much, because; one, whoever's reading this can most likely understand me. two, i don't have to lie.
i've felt that i have no future with anyone or anything. when i look ahead in life, and i think about 1 year into the future, my head just goes blank. i'm young, and i have forever to figure things out, but i'm also supposed to solidly pick a major and a job VERY soon. i can't see myself with any girl, at any college, or doing anything. i was very suicidal at a point in my life--but i'm not anymore. i won't kill myself, i'm pretty sure. not anytime soon. yet, i have the overwhelming sense that i'm never going to amount to anything.
i'll either be miserable, alone, working a job i hate--or miserable, lonely, and working a job i tolerate. or dead, maybe. i just don't see anything.
i guess it's somewhat understandable, because my life changes so rapidly and unpredictably oftentimes, but i don't know.
i hope this makes sense
thank you for coming to my ted talk